This election cycle is fraught with controversy and is noted for its exceptionality un-traditional campaigns and candidates given years past. Bi-partisanism brought on by the polarization of American society and late stage-capitalism threatens to put the country on the brink of fascism. Two candidates with radically different positions have risen to prominence this election and have proven themselves to be the only real viable candidates for the American public.
Introducing Vermin Supreme. Supreme calls himself a “friendly-fascist“. His radical orally oriented politics promises to “MAKE AMERICA a sea of shinny smiles from sea to shinny sea, AGAIN”. Some have questioned the authoritarian nature of his mandatory tooth brushing policies. Going as far as to advocate for creating a standing pony army in the domestic United States saying the US needs “Lots of ponies — pony bombs, pony drones, pony tanks, pony troops, hoofs on the ground, boots on the head,” he said.
This is Vermin Supreme’s Official Platform.
I’m a tyrant that you can trust. You should let me run your life because I know what is best for you.
Yes, I’m a politician. I will lie to you because I have no reason not to. I will promise your electorate heart anything you desire, because you are my constituents, you are the informed voting public, and I have no invention of keeping any promise that I make.
This election year, vote early, vote often, and remember, a vote for me, Vermin Supreme, is a vote completely thrown away.
My primary policy positions are as follows:
- I stand for mandatory toothbrushing laws. Now friends, some people will tell you this mandatory toothbrushing law is about the DNA gene-splicing of winged monkeys to access tooth-training forces. No it is not. Nor is it about the dental reeducation centers. It is not about the preventive dental maintenance detention facilities. It is not about the government-issued toothpaste containing an addictive yet harmless substance. It is not about even the computer chip dental implants to keep track of you and your children. What this mandatory toothbrushing law is really about is strong teeth for a strong America.
- Number two, zombie preparedness. America must be prepared for the upcoming zombie invasion. Yes and I am the only candidate who provides such a plan.
- Time travel research. I am the only candidate who will go back in time and kill baby Hitler before he’s even born.
- And last but not least, free ponies for all Americans. Yes it’s a Free Pony for All Americans Job Act. Just think of the jobs that will be created when all Americans have ponies. Oh yes, for sure. And not only that, but it’s a federal pony identification system, to identify you for your safety. And it will protect us from terrorists!
Thank you. My name is Vermin Supreme. I approve this message.
On the other hand for the more liberal left leaning people this election there has been only one choice. A candidate some say is radically rocking the American political establishment with his embrace of political ideologies thought un-palatable for the American public since the cold war. Governor in Exile of Ohio Sean Swain. Swain, known for his bold anti-establishment politics, has been known to speak truth to power. “Have you seen all these fascist fuckweasels I’m running against? We’d be better off eating them than putting them in power.” Source . Swain a candidate who came out of nowhere this election knows the establishment has stacked the deck against him. “I have no major party backing me; I will be excluded from the televised debates; by statute, you will not find my name on the ballot, and I am relegated to a write-in campaign. I am operating on a $17 per month budget from my prison cell” source
Swains Official Platform follows.
WHY ANARCHISTS SHOULD SUPPORT A SWAIN PRESIDENCY…
Here’s a quick and virtually painless method for achieving the solution, totally unravelling the existing global system!
WHY REPUBLICANS SHOULD SUPPORT A SWAIN PRESIDENCY…
Sean Swain would provide the lowest tax rate (0%) and he is the only candidate who would completely eliminate ALL government regulation! Sean Swain would eliminate the ENTIRE national debt on his first day in office!
WHY DEMOCRATS SHOULD SUPPORT A SWAIN PRESIDENCY…
Sean Swain is the only candidate who will completely erase the wealth gap between rich and poor and totally alleviate the burdens of the working class while creating a level playing field for EVERYONE! Only Sean Swain’s plan will SAVE the environment by eliminating industry!
WHY LIBERTARIANS SHOULD SUPPORT A SWAIN PRESIDENCY…
Only Sean Swain will ELIMINATE the surveillance control state and leave you completely free to live your lives without intrusion!
BRING THE WHOLE FUCKIN’ THING DOWN.
ANARCHIST PRISONER SEAN SWAIN FOR PRESIDENT, 2016.
According to the platform Sean Swain unveiled this week, he intends to remain president for only ninety days in order to accomplish the following agenda:
1. De-commission the United States military and take all nuclear weapons off-line permanently.
2. Auction trillions of dollars worth of military hardware on e-Bay.
3. Demand resignation of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the heads of every U.S. agency including the FBI, CIA, NSA and Homeland Security. Those who refuse to resign will be shot and eaten.
4. Open all borders. By Executive Order, border patrols will greet all immigrants with warm blankets and chicken soup.
5. Print billions of dollars and release them into the economy without keeping count.
6. Refuse to sign any budget, raise any debt ceiling, or resolve any government shutdown.
7. Pardon all U.S. prisoners and burn all prisons to the ground.
8. Declare every day of the year a national holiday, eliminating all work.
While the two candidates have been hard on the campaign trail new allegations are arising questioning rather the two candidates are really all that different or in fact if they are actually the same person! Photo evidence of the two demonstrates an un canny likeness. Rising suspicions that Vermin Supreme is actually an acid filled human husk being psychically controlled by Swain Swain from his lair deep inside of Ohio’s Supermax prison.
Election officials are taking the allegations seriously and calling for a preemptive vote to be held before November, to determine rather or Swain and Supreme are actually one in the same mind. Votes can be submitted here.